A mother's guilt

So it turns out our little crankapotamus had good reason to be cranky - he has gastroesophageal reflux, which is why he wasn't sleeping or eating and why he's been crying all the time. Poor little guy. The pediatrician put me on a restrictive diet to make my breastmilk less acidic, and we're giving Grant old-man heartburn medication and rice cereal. Hopefully he'll start to feel better soon, and Mom and Dad will be able to get some sleep!

And with that, a letter to my son...


Dear Grant,

Mommy's sorry.

Mommy is sorry that she didn't trust her instincts sooner. Even though she's only known you five weeks, she just knew that you weren't acting like your old self. She promises to trust herself in the future.

Mommy is sorry that you had to cry at the top of your lungs for 20 minutes on the car ride to the pediatrician's office (Mommy would realize later that the position aggravated your reflux), and she's sorry that she couldn't hold you forever after we parked. She promises to do everything in her power to keep you happy.

Mommy is sorry that she ate dairy, caffeine, green leafy vegetables, nuts, spicy foods, chocolate and any other possible food that might have worsened your reflux (all of which she's no longer allowed to eat). Mommy promises to eat a very bland diet if it makes you feel better.

Mommy is sorry that she put you down on your back in the activity gym, which was a very uncomfortable position for you. Mommy promises to give you lots of tummy time and to carry you all day, if it helps.

Mommy is sorry that when - after you'd been crying inconsolably for hours on end - she felt as though she hated you. You should know that Mommy immediately hated herself for hating you, and those tears that she cried were out of frustration. All she wanted to do was make you feel better, and she didn't know how. Mommy promises to love you always, no matter how crazy you make her.

And while I'm at it...

Mommy is sorry that she accidentally scratched your forehead trying to get you into a onesie.

Mommy is sorry that she ignored your uncontrollable screams on the car ride to the hearing doctor. She thought you were just throwing a temper tantrum. When she finally pulled over to the side of the road, she realized that your head had shifted and the seatbelt was cutting into your neck.

Mommy is sorry that she didn't keep your belly button clean enough for the first week of your life.

Mommy is sorry that she once accidentally bonked your leg on the changing table.

And she's sorry for all the other mistakes she'll make over the next 18 years... don't hold it against her. She's doing her best!

Love,
Mommy


You wouldn't know it from the double chin and huge weight gain (he's almost 10 pounds!), but this is our sickly reflux baby:


Tribute to Daddy: